Month: October 2020

notsomuch USELESS facks. part 1 of infinity and beyond! 💬

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A small bit of background to start. notsomuch useless facts POSTS will be almost like a list. I say almost because, once you see the lists, you’ll see that sarcasm MUST be acknowledged. You may want to take some notes so that at the next game night with your friends, you can ‘run the table’ on facks! so with no further ado….let’s get SERIOUS!

A Flamboyance? A Flamboyance is the name for a group of flamingos. How bout a group of pugs? The dog you know? They’re called a grumble. You know what that metal piece on your HB pencil that tends to get chewed up? It’s called a ferrule! Not feral like a cat – ferrule. How bout the sleeve that’s added to your to-go coffee cups to further prevent burning? I like this one! It’s called a ZARF! Funny, narf.

Did ja know, that divot on your upper lip is called a Philtrum? Yes. Yes it is. Sticking with the human body, babies. Our children. Born sans kneecaps. They grow in. One more human-like fack – our children, we call them kids. But they’re NOT KIDS! Kids are baby goats, not baby humans. That thing we often do when we first wake up – children through adult, when we yawn and stretch at the same time…we are pandiculcating! (Spellcheck doesn’t even like that one) The word, actually name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, and one more cartoony fack…The word NERD was made up by the Dr. Seuss in Cat In The Hat.

Animals…and words…A DORK is actually a whale’s penis. (Okay SERIOUSLY NOW! No more whale stuff for a while) More people are killed every year by donkeys, than killed in a plane crash. And I will single out, and finish, with this:

Did you know that a pig’s orgasm, lasts on average 30 minutes! Stop and think about one of your best multiples. An multiply by ummm well a lot to get to 30 minutes! I suck at math.

Quite often truth IS INDEED, stranger than fiction! Only in jaxasms can we smoothly travel from babies to whale penises and on to pig’s orgasms THAT smoothly!

After the first cupple posts, a cupple reader e’s sent emails. Sorta, word of the day, a cupple compliments, mostly, how do I say this, ahh criticisms, maybe a cupple questions in there, if i dig deep. For those who know me – you can attest to “going deep” – notsomuch my forte. (Forte sorta means like wheelhouse or specialty, but all French and stuff 👿)

Getting used to the way (I boldly call it style) I write yet? Whattya thinks?

Grasshopper Sharks

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This SHOULD be the LAST post about sharks for quite a while. VERY short, to the point and quick, like me!

Women and men. We work SO HARD day in and day out to meet each other for friendship, for romance and for both. Many attempts are made to find that ONE HUMAN we want to be beside FOREVER. It creates an image in my simple mind of jumping into a tank filled with water and sharks — looking for a grasshopper.

Smut Fungus

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I’ve noticed, mostly because I tend to pay very good attention to things. I’ve noticed that we humans seem to have gone “all in” on this ‘plant-based diet’ thing.

While it may be too late now, I MUST ask a question NOW, in case a human reading today knows the, what I think to be, important answer.

What’s next…? After many of us are DEAD from corn smut, potato smut, and smut fungi from the plants. Now I don’t know FOR SURE that any of those Fungi Smuts will kill, or even hurt, us…But, call me a stupid human too, but i would tend to stick with the devil we know. Yes that kills us – but at least we KNOW, and can adjust our choices accordingly.

Wouldn’t you agree, baby you and me, we got a groovy kind of love? And really wouldn’t you agree, baby we should be, looking closer at the smut*”

*credit given where credit due. That last paragraph comes to you originally by Phil Collins. It MOSTLY comes from Collins’ hit “Groovy Kind Of Love.” 

Click here 👇  for THAT song!

https://youtu.be/HsC_SARyPzk

flip the skript *switch up your end game

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So your REAL best friend, your good friend, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, and your sister — all walk into a bar…🙃 heh. Anyway. What is it EXACTLY that all those folks up there in the top line have in common? Exactly. Hint? or did you figure it out?

In common…NOTHING. Yea NOPE. Each one of them knew a different you. Your disagreement is falling on deaf ears. Not because I’m smarter than you, cause i am, but because I’m right. Got sidetracked there. If i had $100 for every time i got distracted I still believe in the Easter rabbit.
Picking up the train and putting it back on the tracks.
Circling back to front…One of THE answers we’re all looking for – one of the answers to a successful relationship, marriage, whatever – FLIP the skript on your END GAME.
Be it friends, lovers, or partners (not relatives), what attracts you to them – bring you together – is SAME. It’s the ‘sexual’ attraction. Yep. Just stop and think on it a minute. Because you actually SEE it written in dating site profiles, I’ll use THOSE words. 
Whether it be sex, romance, or physical, the “what am I looking for?” sentence is this: ‘Looking for love/partner but if i don’t find my person, the love of my life, I WILL find a new friend.’ And there it is. There’s the rub.
Try THIS flipped skript instead: “I’m looking for a friend, but if i don’t find that, i might find the love of my life.” Well…you know what I mean. 
 
STOP. Now think on it for a second or 2. Or 3 or 4.
Ami right, or am i right?

Lies

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 Men have em. Women have em too. Things we SAY we don’t do – but do. Humans just ‘do this.’ It’s the stuff. Not saying that EVERYONE does this, but everyone DOES. In one way or another. It has become so generally accepted, that we won’t talk about them, and for the most part, even THINK about them. Or WANT to — now everybody cover your ears, your eyes, or your brains cause I’m going to TALK ABOUT IT!!

Some gender specific — but most universal.

FART: From preschool to seniorschool we talk about it a lot. Games, practical jokes, and and stinky jokes. But none of us ACTUALLY do it. Fack – ALL humans, male AND female (and that middle ground sex) fart at least 10 to 20 times a day. NOT because we should be embarrassed, but because we are human and it’s just how we work. But your secret is REALLY safe with me.

No more arguments or arguing.

CYBER STALK: You know, when we do the deep dive (insert sexual joke here) by inserting their name into social media and of course Google.

FLIRT: From MEANINGFUL sex to INCONSEQUENTIAL speeding ticket evasion…every one of us do this too.

BITE NAILS, PICK NOSES, PLUCK HAIRS, AND MUCH MORE: I’m a guy…so grrrls — I have a butt crack and facial hair TOO. (Like you I mean)

SMELL YOUR CLOTHING, HAVE A SNACK DRAWER, A DRAWER FOR SEX TOYS, LOOK IN EVERY MIRROR OR REFLECTION SURFACE, LOOK FOR TRICKS TO HIDE THE FACT WE DIDN’T SHOWER OR WASH OUR HAIR THAT DAY — And more…Rapid-Fire like…

There’s the ‘look at our poop in the toilet before we flush’ thing; actually LIKE, LOVE, NEED that ‘drama’ we claim we NEVER want; and — we pee in the shower. 

NOW just the guys cause i know a little bit about guys (NOTHING about grrrls really) cause I play a guy on the internet, and IRL.

Wash your face, except shaving; constantly touch our junk; erm, get that ‘for no reason stiffy’ ; yes, cry; ManSplain everything; and last but not least….

We sit down to pee.

Talk amongst yourselves and TELL ME about your thoughts and conversations. Please.

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