Month: May 2021

Phobias and 499 Other Things

/ jacX / 2 Comments

I know that you know all about phobias. If not read or saw a many little quirk – but – experienced aversions to certain things. Sorta on that note – the following is a list, if you don’t suffer from katastichophobia, the fear of lists, of some of the weirdest, insanest, and WTF-est phobias known to the human being and condition.

To start the terrifying list – Cacophobia. This is the fear of ugliness that would certainly happen here if my ugly mug was pictured everywhere! Another notable specifically related to jaxasms.ca is coulophobia – the fear of clowns.
I think it would be safe to say that if you suffer from either, or BOTH, of those you MAY just suffer from Panophobia. The fear of EVERYTHING!

Now a list – that looks more like a list, and less like a rant or raving of a joker. Allodoxaphobia. The fear of opinions.

One of my faves is Arachibutyrophobia. Not because it’s a BIG word, but because I opinionate it’s just plain nut-bar crazy! It’s the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth! I should note that ALL of these phobias can be debilitating.

Eremophobia – Fear of solitude
Nomophobia – which MILLIONS have these days, the fear of being without your smart phone.
Plutophobia is the fear of money
Xanthophobia is a fear of the color yellow
Ablutophobia is a fear of bathing
Optophobia is a fear of opening one’s eyes. This fear can be extremely debilitating. Could you EVEN imagine this fear?
Globophobia is a fear of balloons 🎈
Koumpounophobia is the fear of buttons…
Omphalophobia is a fear of BELLY buttons
Hopefully you don’t suffer from Geliophobia, the fear of laughter
Anatidaephobia is the fear of being watched by a duck. Huh – Wha?Chorophobia is for many uncoordinated white guys like me – the fear of dancing.
Geliophobia: fear of laughter.
Heliphobia: the fear of sunlight
Deipnophobia: the ODD fear of dinner conversations
Neophobia: fear of new stuff
Syngenesophobia: the fear of your relatives! I get this one.
Geniophobia: Fear of chins!

Ablutophobia: the fear of washing and bathing. Just ewww – But it’s a usual on a bus, subway, or crowded theatre lobby

*might* be one of mine – Venustraphobia the fear of beautiful women!
This one I think EVERYONE MUST, or at least SHOULD, have – Taphophobia, which is the fear of being buried alive.

Myrmecophobia is a fear of ants
Ephebiphobia is a fear of teenagers
Alektorophobia: the fear of chickens/roosters

Crazy Squared?

Urophobia is the fear of urinating
Ambulophobia: fear of walking
Pteronophobia is the morbidly fearful fear of being tickled by a feather. (Take a moment or two to THINK about that one!)
Selenophobia: the fear of the moon.
Gamophobia is a fear I WISH I’d had – a fear of marriage! Ha.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is, ironically or purposefully, the fear of LONG WORDS!
Necrophobia – Fear of death or dead things

Add one from the Crazy Squared Crazy ward of the hospital –

Linonophobia which is the fear of STRING. (Def NOT a cat-thing)

Closing up shop today with these…

Philophobia: the fear of love
Erotophobia is the fear of sex.
Philematophobia which is the fear of kissing

AND Phobophobia – The fear of – you guessed it! – phobias.

I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE ASKING WHY! CAN I?

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Another story this week! This one – a story about (mostly daily) WHY’s I am sure you have asked yourself, a family member, a computer screen or yelled out to the sky!

• So milk goes bad on the counter AND in the fridge right? Ummm WHY doesn’t it go bad in the cow?

• Just HOW MANY times do you use a disposable razor – before dispensing of it?

• Drive-thru bank machines – you’ve probably used one right? Ummm WHY is there braille on the keypad?

• I think that it’s safe to say that other than on the top of the head, women do not like body hair – and shave it, and trim it, and bleach it, and burn it, and more. Ummm what about the eyebrows?

• Lots of you excersize and stay in shape every day – largely for the purpose of adding days, weeks, hours, and minutes to your life…and good for you! Buuuut. WHY? When all those hours you gained are more than squandered in the gym?

• Ummmm WHY isn’t there ‘mouse’ flavoured cat food?

• Ever blow in your dog’s face, or watch someone do it? They HATE it right? Ummm WHY? Top shelf on the fun level for dogs is travelling with their heads out the window

• You know your wool and cotton clothing, bedding, and stuff? You know how most of those shrink when you wash them right? Ummmm then WHY don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

• WHY do women when they apply mascara – do it with their mouth open?

• Not a WHY – but – Do our pets have NAMES for us?

• WHY is there a floatation device under your seat in an airplane and NOT a parachute?

• At what age does someone become elderly?

• WHY is a moustache considered attractive on men, and not on women?

• What is the difference between a curtain and a drape?

• Back to air travel for a sec. This one has puzzled me for nearly the entirety of my life! WHY are there seat belts on an airplane and NOT on a bus?

• And further a little there…WHY is the lid of a coffin nailed down/shut?

And finally this day…notsomuch a WHY as a WHAT. However, had I written it a little different I could have quite easily made it a WHY. So it fits?

• What is the difference between a lollipop and a sucker?

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T PUT THAT IN YOUR…

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Butt.

From the files of Stupid Is EXACTLY what Stupid Does! Note: ALL of these incidents – ADULTS over 18 years of age. What did these ADULTS do exactly? I’m happy you asked! ALL of the following items were inserted into their ass – AND – ended up in the emergency room as a result. I couldn’t even make some of these items up! Humans are stupider than sticks and stones.

1. 2. First two items on the list, are in fact, sticks and stones

3. Candy, both hard and soft

4. Gum. Chewed and un chewed

5. Nail Polish bottle

6. Nail Polish Remover bottle

7. Beer bottle. Full AND empty

8. Peanut Butter

9. Flash Light

10. House key

11. Car key

12. Key fob

13. Hot Wheels cars

14. Cel Phone

15. A gun

16. A pint glass

17. Sea Shell(s)

18. Sand

19. A condom containing almost ALL of the items on this list.

20. Restaurant Creamer

21. Jams/Jellies of the restaurant individual packet kind

22. A dildo. NO surprise on that item – BUT – also lodged in the dude’s ass WITH the dildo? The BBQ tongs he used to try and remove said item

23. Woody, Buzz, AND Mr. Potato Head’s ear. At the SAME TIME!

24. A Zippo cigarette lighter

25. And from the stationary/porn? store – Office Depot etc. A pencil, pen, erasers, pencil sharpener

26. USB Drive

27. Sh!t emoji USB Drive

28. Seriously? A mayonnaise JAR

29. You know what – I will just stop numbering individually right here at a usual suspect Cucumber. The rest of the produce department items are ALL at 30.

30. Carrot, YES, an eggplant, Banana of course, BUT a turnip? Yep that too. A DOZEN grapes – don’t know if they were green, red, seedless, or domestic – a Japanese orange (the Christmas kind), a sunkist orange, (the BIG ONE) ***As a side note – the hospital record noted that the peel ripped and, also according to the report, “It stung like hell. The patient was in agony the entire time the removal took place”

AND finally – no more of all that *normal* stuff – I will finish with, what hospital nurses and doctors called ODD items:

Remote Control, Handle of a hammer, spoons, forks, knives (butter AND steak knives), a baby bottle!, a Vape (large), and finally – recently – AirPods. Kinda see those finding their way into an ass – but there’s always a BUT in the butt – The AirPods were in their charging case.

We Don’t Lick People

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The lies adults tell kids.

A new feature on the jaxasms.com. A feature that I need YOUR help with! If you have kids – what lies have you told them? Obviously you WERE a kid, and what lies were you told? What have heard or read – I need you to tell me! Drop em here on the site – drop em in my email inbox – jaxasms@icloud.com and if you can think of another way to send em – I want to hear that too!!

And so – What is this all about? Simply – An ongoing list of the lies and crazy sh!t you were told as a kid, or that you’ve told your kids, or even that your friends and colleagues have told their kids! Without any further ado…

I won’t go into detail on debunking these lies – but I will comment on most of them because….well notsomuch common sense – and it just got under that skin a little!

*Reading in the dark will harm your eyes*
Ummm what!? Harm your eyes? I think if you CAN read in the dark you have some superhuman eyesight, NOT harmed!

*Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis*
I think if this were the case – EVERYONE would have arthritis – and they do not.

*If you swallow your gum…It takes 7 years to digest it*
What IS digested is done so in the usual amount of time. What CAN’T be digested by your body ISN’T.

*If you keep your eyes open when you sneeze – your eyeballs will pop out!*
OK. Just do it. Did your eyeballs go anywhere? Next…

*If you continue to cross your eyes like that they’ll stay that way*
*If you eat watermelon seeds, watermelons will grow in your belly.*

*The whole santa clause lie, and parts of that lie.*
*He knows if you are sleeping*
*He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice*
*He knows what sh!t you want for Christmas*
*AND he knows where you live*
*Santa is at the mall and we can go PAY him so that you can make the Christmas requests that HE ALREADY KNOWS*
*Santa repels down your chimney to deliver the goods*
*Santa FITS in a chimney*
*Santa flies in a snow sleigh pulled by flying reindeer*
*In a mere few hours Santa flies all over the world and gets gifts to every greedy little monster*

*there many many more lies with the santa clause as the starting point!*

This is called PILING ON. a perfect example of WHY adults lie to kids. Because they (kids) cannot possibly be expected to KNOW this as either fact or fiction. And (I would hope) you wouldn’t catch an adult saying any such thing…Even as a joke…out loud.

This LOOOOONG post is only the first PART of the We Don’t Lick People series! What are YOUR licky lies!? Send em to me and I will send em back in part of the series!

Stay frosty! and take care of each other!

A Life Bored?

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So jack (me) is writing a book. I’ve started writing a couple different books on a couple different occasions in the past. ONE of those books was not much more than copy and paste of my previous blog/website. BUT not a single one of those books was ever finished, before I moved on to the next thing.

This latest endeavour is kind of about…No. It’s totally about that and this:

Early in my life I learned a VERY valuable lesson that SHOULD have successfully guided me to thousands of successes through life. In fact, what that lesson should have done – DID – the exact opposite. I was/am unsuccessful at everything. Or at best, not successful. From the (still in) first chapters drafts. This:

Of the very few LEARNEDS I learned – at least what should have been most valuable of them all was that I learned to OBSERVE.

Please forgive the sheer volume of times I say ‘learned’ in this post. Thanks!

ANYway. I observe nearly everything around me, all of the time. I call it my blessing and my curse. My blessing because I pay attention which should lead me to doing the ‘right things.’ I believe what I call my absolute truth that ‘everybody lies.’ which is basically the opposite of right – I see the lies (all of them) and when a person is not lying – I KNOW they will shortly.

Back to mine own shortcomings. I learned HOW to be somebody, I just never actually be’d somebody. I play one on camera, on social media, and one on the intraweb, just not in the real world.

On paper (so to speak) I learned quite a number of things! I learned how to be a husband, father, son, musician, writer, money maker, friend, and boyfriend. I said learned HOW – I just never DID.

The sum? I have a cranium FULL of learned subjects, people, places, things, feelings, books, sentences, hopes, dreams, disappointments, facks, fallacies, totally useless information – and much more.

Another sum? This one a bit more on-topic. My observations as both blessings and curses are to other people very much the same. Blessings in that I remember the important and simple things about them and a curse because I remember the important and simple things about them.

And the book. I know HOW to write a book. I know WHY I want to write a book. And I know exactly what said book will be about. BUT, like all of my learneds up there, I learned HOW, WHY, WHAT, WHO, and WHERE the book – I have not just yet been able to be.