Month: July 2021

For you…A ‘Butt-Load’ **notsomuch useless. facks

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notsomuch useless. facks

A “butt load” is an actual unit of measurement, equivalent to 126 gallons.

HOWEVER – a sh!t load is NOT.

Staying with BUTTS for another…

Turtles can breathe out of their butts.

There are more stars in space than there are grains of sand on every beach on Earth.

Peanuts are not nuts. They grow in the ground, so they are technically legumes.

Not once in the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme does it mention that he’s an egg.

The dot over a small case “i” has a name. It is called a “tittle.”

The lint that collects in the bottom of your pockets also has a name. It is called a “gnurr.”

TRY to breathe and swallow at the same time —
You can’t.

the sarcmark

The SarcMark (short for “sarcasm mark”) is actually the trademarked creation of a man named Douglas Sak, who markets it as…the official, easy-to-use punctuation mark to emphasize a sarcastic statement or word in writing sans tone.

the world needs sarcastic

Everyone LOVES lists right?!

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by jacK: staffwriter (jaxasms.ca)

How about a few top 3’s? Deal?
Deal then.

The top 3 reasons to go into work NAKED!

3. No one’s EVER going to steal your chair.
2. It definitely diverts attention from the fact that you showed up drunk. Again.
AND #1 – it’s a GREAT way to meet that guy/girl in HR you’ve been hoping to flirt with!

The top 3 things you’ll NEVER hear a grrrrl (woman) say.

3. Hey! Get a whiff of that one!
2. You’re so smart! Can you be the brain for both of us?
AND #1 — WOW! It really IS 14 inches!

The top 3 things you won’t hear a boy (man) say.

3. I think we’re lost – we’d better pull over and get some directions.
2. I think I LOVE that ‘Murder She Wrote’ chick.
AND #1 – You know something babe? We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping!

The top 3 rejected Valentine’s Day cards.

3. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
2. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The top 3 signs your wife/girlfriend has lost that loving feeling. (With a bonus or 2)

3. She keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
2. During the sex, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”
1. Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
Bonus 2. After you start the foreplay she stops you and says, “Just wait for the NyQuil to kick in OK?”
Bonus 1. She bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE starting to get naked.

FINALLY – A TO-DO list for the NEXT… visit to the WalMart. (In a double-3 format.)

1. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly “Hey! You’re out of toilet paper in here!”
2. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
3. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
4. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
5. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
6. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
AND LAST AND #7. Move all of the ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ signs to carpeted areas.

the top 5 anythings to start your week

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Let’s start with #5.

5. The Olympics started and opened last week. I love watching the Olympic snowboarding. But after the first 5 days were done – the announcers informed me these were the summer games and that I’d have to wait until Winter Olympics for that. Shizzy

4. One more from the Olympics. A Japanese girl won a gold medal in skateboarding – and I a waiting out of morbid curiousity for the Olympic version of breakdancing. I KNOW right!

3. Living in western Canada – in case you didn’t notice – the west side of North America is on fire! From Mexico to the frozen north – it’s ALL burning. Might not make it out of all the smoke before the Olympic Snowboarding.

2. Covid 19 getting bad again. World-Wide Bad (WWB) Seriously now – serious before too but… Proof positive now (no more benefit of) without doubt – Human Beings are stupid. Not sure HOW they fvcked this up – but they did. Clearly the herd NEEDS thinning.

And number 1. this week:

1. Humans doing what humans do best. Stupid. And police in England called them just that.

Here the twitter post.

According to police — *idiots* broke into a farm and set a cow free. It ended up on a major highway and wreaked havoc with everything. The police say there were *substantial* MVA’s.

The police said today, “Thanks idiots.”

a welcome [to the cranium]

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by jacK – staffwriter

[bc, canada (jaxasms.ca)] a morning in the brain of – jacK. this is but an hour or so in jacK’s brain, and by writing this short story, you’ll NOT want to visit that brain for ANY amount of time!

did you know that everyone who inhales, and relies on, oxygen – normally dies within about 80 years?

How bout some OTHER ‘did you know’s.’

  • 70% of the earth is covered in water and 29% is covered in idiots.
  • Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is a lot like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
  • America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
  • I’m really good at doing stuff until people actually watch me doing stuff.
  • Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
  • The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not – will lead to a sweet candy reward.
  • Accidentally fell asleep smoking my e-cigarette/vape and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel… is an oncoming train.
  • Twitter is basically Facebook’s smoking section.
  • Saying “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is FUNNY AF when someone hands you their baby.
  • That had I shot you sooner – I’d be out of prison by now.

AND a ‘finally did you know?’ I’ve never understood how the Nazis couldn’t find where Anne Frank was hiding. I was in the area, AND there are signs pointing to her house everywhere!

A ‘Timely’ French Exit

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The very beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer – you know her right? Well her NEW movie in 2021 is called “French Exit.” And reading about that movie is what brought on this post with useless or once-useless or notsomuch useless trivia! Anyway…

In case you didn’t know…To leave a party without telling anyone is called, in English, a “French Exit.” In French, it’s called a “partir à l’anglaise”, to leave like the English.

And in OTHER notsomuch useless news…

  • The blob of toothpaste that sits on your toothbrush has a name. A nurdle.
  • Notsomuch useless. Parrots – You know, the talking birds. (Well they have the ability to talk and some do) BUT did you know that the parrot ALSO has the ability to ‘reason’
  • Sticking with animals – not birds – In the original 1902 stage version of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Dorothy did not have a dog, but a COW, named Imogene.
  • Sea Otters hold hands while they sleep. Awwww
Cannot confirm if the sea otters are holding hands in this Shutterstock.com image.

  • “sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia” – That’s the scientific term for what’s commonly known as ‘brain freeze.’
  • Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt.
  • Nintendo trademarked the phrase “It’s on like Donkey Kong” in 2010.
  • A single strand of Spaghetti is called a “Spaghetto.”
  • At birth – a baby PANDA BEAR – is smaller than a mouse.

And lastly today – One of my favourites – and YOU WILL see why!

  • The official state slogan of the American state Nebraska is: ‘Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.’

I seriously NEED to move to the Nebraska.