Part one of two SATIRICAL pieces
should I repeat that? Nah. It’s NOT like YOU’RE a baby right!?
In this IMPORTANT episode in a two part series, and the first actual episode, that is notsomuch an episode as an article, essay, assay, bedtime story for stressed adults trying to survive their lives in a workaday world Run BY DMC – and the new North American Government making things nice and rappy. AND we’re talking about ADULTS and PARENTS here! PG 13 stuff. Not in front of the parents!
Lucky for you, you SHOULD be smarter than the baby you’re trying to manipulate into trusting you. Stay with me kids. Focus on your smarty, and not the drooling, weepy, crappy, smelly mini-human.
The FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT step in manipulating the kid is THIS: Acknowledge your superior intellect (That you’re WAY SMARTER than the baby that CAN’T REALLY convert your metric tonne weight into that simple American Weight Measure called pounds. Babies are DUMB remember.)
Let’s get going shall we…YOU MUST MAKE the baby recognize you, followed by TRUSTING you.
Babies are keen observers of CONTRAST – so you MUST use this to your advantage in the endeavour. Other than contrast, babies LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING – so let’s work on his/her level – you need those hipster Black thick-rimmed glasses. OR, even sunglasses work well as a recognition trigger too. My suggestion is to wear black and white clothing – The fashion you’re looking for is Dr. Seuss meets The Blair Witch, with a touch of Dr. Evil.
Growing a Long Dark beard would also assist in recognition. The contrast thing again.
Two more quick tips to get your baby to recognize you in a positive manner so as to further your manipulation plan. You need to have a mirror and a set of keys to establish yourself as the “Bringer of Fun Things.”
FIRST the keys. Jingle jangle, jingle jangle FUN FUN FUN! It’s okay that the keys notsomuch entertained you – it was meant to fool the dumb baby. Stay focussed.
SECOND the mirror. Put the mirror in front of the baby. It will feel very comfortable and entertained to have another dumb baby to play with! PLUS they are more comfortable in a pack. No, not gum – a pack of dumb – babies.
Presto – Bango! Baby is with friends, distracted by car keys, and starting to recognize YOU!
Next time – NOW that you are the recognizable bringer of the fun – we talk TRUST. Like in video games – this is level difficulty 2! Time to level UP and establish dominance and superiority over the situation – AND THEN. The dumb baby.
See you – and Baby – in version 2.0.