Posted in saTires

Baby Manipulation AND Cake 2.0


A reminder: Part 2 of 2 Satirical pieces

If you are anything like me – quite some time ago – long before the covid – you basically threw the collection, AKA the human species, under the metaphorical bus to be in solitary. So people – face to face contact with people – OUT. A whole lot of ‘alone-time’ IN.

Back to part too of the baby manipulation. And cake!

Now one would think that dealing with a baby would be a piece of cake – Babies LOVE cake! Whence they hit solid foods anyway. So BRING cake! If applicable. As the ‘Bringer of Fun Things’ you are BRINGING IT! Once in the presence of baby, smile, maybe mutter some baby-talk, and present – CAKE!

So once the baby and yourself are (if not eating, EVEN if not eating) buried in the yummy cake you must QUICKLY move to part two of the final solutions to your task in hand. Because you planned ahead – you can now, as the official ‘Bringer of Fun,’ bring forward your (MY) pure stroke of brilliance – An empty cardboard box. OK, an ALMOST empty cardboard box. Babies LOVE cardboard boxes! And within seconds the baby has established you as ‘King of the World,’ and reveres you as such. Though YOU are bored, baby is definitely NOT bored. Trust me on this.

fealty much?

After a bit of suspense is built…encourage baby to lift the lid on the box. THIS will be your piece-du-resistance, the ace up your sleeve, and your final ascent to ABSOLUTE TRUST and FEALTY.

Upon opening the box – LEAPING from the empty – a brown, or black, Lab-Retriever PUPPY! Baby is now PUTTY!

You are bearded and dressed as a Hipster Blair Witch, black and white, and Finding Nemo Dr. Seuss character that has blessed Baby with an adorable Labrador puppy, a friend in the mirror, BOTH playing with jingle jangle car keys – and looking upon YOU – the KING of all things adorable, jingle jangle, the ULTIMATE ‘Bringer of the Fun!’

Keep in mind though, that Baby (like all babies and me) is suffering from ADHD and will forget you and your heroic acts, in fairly short order. So some maintenance will be required. The maintenance and all fealty to your prowess, however, WILL EXPIRE at around 18 months of age..

Beyond the 18 months – You are on your own – I can’t help you there. I may have suggestions, but between 18 months and 18 years my recommendations on Baby are virtually useless. Good luck in that time!

If all of the above manipulation DOES NOT earn you the ultimate trust crown…PLAY Peek-a-Boo. That always works in this department. (Babies = Dumb. Remember?)

See you and Baby, in 2032 or so.

Author:

I SEE noise.

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