Pandemic catch-phrases, NSFW buzzwords-but-why’s, 18+ ID should-be requirements for Disney + and a Crave?
Back in unprecedented news…
My brain hurts just getting that title and introduction out of my head. I wrote it and still had to read, re-read, and start over 4 times to get to here.
And now here… As we’ve hearded a ka billion times over the past about-2 years We are ‘all in this together.’ 2020/2021 English took it all like a champ – but as humans quite often do – we ganged up on English and beat it like a dead horse.
Then we ran out of toilet paper?
OK, it was really MORE than just toilet paper. It was hair dye and canned soda and jigsaw puzzles. All those things that—who knew?— made our human lives worth living.
In addition to something about Gwyneth Paltrow we’ve seen the epic smell and taste of bacon — just about everywhere—from candles – I *think* Gwyneth had something to do with that one – or maybe it was donuts or yule logs. Anyway leave it to 2020/2021 and humans to bring us THIS: a Hormel bacon-scented Black Label mask. Beats the smell of…
AND speaking of masks, Burger King added it’s 2 scents. AND levelled it up in terms of the safety. Howso? GREAT question! It’s been well-documented that speaking (spitting WHILE speaking) is one of the main ways the COVID is transmitted, so to help with that risk too, Burger King created these face-coverings that came pre-printed with people’s BK orders so they didn’t have to speak.
Arby’s: The Deep Fried Turkey Pillow Nap Hat
Arby’s created a turkey-shaped pillow and nap hat that cradles your melon. The hats, available for $60, sold out immediately after they were released. Seriously. Humans ate THIS up too. I like the ‘nap-hat’ part of it’s name, but…
Pizza Hut and Ikea teamed up. Strangely – but…
Pizza Hut and Ikea partnered on what was one of the oddest co-branded ideas of the time — a table shaped like a pizza saver. The SÄVA was a giant-size version of the little doodad that helps your pizza-pies from getting squished in the box, and it was available for sale at Pizza Hut restaurants to those who purchased the restaurant’s new pie featuring Ikea’s popular – meatballs.
Pizza Hut X Gravity Blanket: The Original Pan Weighted Blanket!
Pizza was busy under the hut despite the ‘restaurant-complication.’ Would it be true that human greed will imagine almost anything – and then BUY the almost anything? A 15-pound weighted blanket that looks just like the Original Pan pizza. The Original Pan Weighted Blanket costed $150. And, just like the Arby’s turkey helmet, sold out immediately.
Heinz: Ketchup Puzzle
Thanks to the pandemic, jigsaw puzzles saw renewed popularity this year, with the quarantined seeking different ways to stay entertained as the walls of their homes started to feel like they were closing in. Heinz Ketchup and agency Rethink jumped on the bandwagon by introducing a particularly difficult jigsaw challenge: its own puzzle of 570 pieces (a nod to the ketchup’s name), each of which was colored a solid Heinz red.
Kraft Pumpkin Spice Mac & Cheese
Hummus and Deodorant did it. So Mac & Cheese was… only logical. Last year, Kraft Mac & Cheese did the unprecedented! and jumped on the fall-time bandwagon of lunacy and lug nuts.
FaceTime / Zoom et al.
Just as not every email needs to be a meeting, not every meeting needs to be a video chat. We want to feel connected, but we really need to resolve to use them sparingly. Also, please stop taking the calls from your bed. You’ve had months to perfect your video chat etiquette
From retail to healthcare, marketers called out front-line workers as heroes in pandemic ads, banners and signs. It would have seemed more sincere had the copy read: “We’re boosting our heroes’ pay 50% by cutting senior executive salaries and bonuses, because why should they make so much more than the front-line workers just for sitting home on Zoom meetings
This adjective showed up in countless ads and press releases this spring and summer. It was useful for everyday conversations, too, such as: “In these unprecedented times, I’m going for a walk.” Yet, sadly, these times aren’t entirely unprecedented. There’s the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918-19. The Black Death. Etc
A possible sum for the last couple years: the BBW part. BUZZWORDS… BUT WHY? Buzzwords are the bomb these days – perhaps as foretold by our Modern-Day Marketing Nostradamus Ryan Reynolds?
Many [mostly men] people who were worried by recent leaking stories about the removal of porn from mostly porn sites Only Fans, PornHub, and Netflix can pant a little easier this weekend after jaxasms.ca speaks with insiders familiar with pornography, videos, and skate-boarding who say ‘HOLD TIGHT’ as the report appears to be prematurely jaxulated.
Reports in the last week or so had the PornHub, OnlyFans, and NetFlix providers banning porn from their paid services. Blowback was nearly immediate and surprisingly sustained for the week as many [mostly men] have been claiming a violation of varying ‘rights’ and ‘needs.’ Spokespeople for The Internet expressed confusion and that the decisions came as ‘shock and awe’ surprise. And that they were not notified, and the required month’s notice was not given. A spokeshuman for The Internet (wanting to remain anonymous) told me that the trio, if reports were true, would not be getting their damage deposit back, and likely be charged for clean-up of their ‘messes’ and damages made to the world-wide-web.
Speaking exclusively to jaxasms.ca – insiders Dallas Montague and Debbie Rohing agreed that Internet housing agreements would be violated if the rumours turned into fact, resulting in the revoking of damage deposits and the multi-billion dollar clean up charges for the billions of ‘messes’ left all around the web. “Everyone on the Internet and elsewhere is fully aware of the value in porn,” stated Rohing, “But there is always a trade-off when it comes to sex services. I mean the clean-up of all that paper pornography when we here at the Internet set up shop was MASSIVE. The poor environment saw a surge in paper and paper-like solid waste before people (mostly men) made the full-on switch to tube socks.”
“We must be economically real here as the winds of change, like the Scorpions rock and roll radio hit Winds of Change almost predicted,” Montague emphatically stated. She went on to say that maybe it was time to start thinking about government bail-outs for the Internet.” Montague brushed tears from her cheek with a lace braced tissue, and loudly concluded with “The fucking internet is our life! This isn’t a Lego or Arnie movie that will be back!”
Both Montague and Rohing ended this important discussion at that point. Both leaving behind what the industry calls Après-Stills. Their doctored photos (stills) were, what Rohing called, business cards. Stay tuned to jaxasms.ca for any updates and the clean-up status reports.
For your listening parts. The Scorpions Winds of Change as mentioned above courtesy of the YouTube and of course, The Scorpions.