Month: December 2021

Autopsy. The Christmas themed, Common-Sense crossword clue for 4-Down

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by jacK – staffwriter (jaXasms.ca)

A Coroner’s job

As you know – I have a couple – what are those called? Annoyances? Irritants? Barbs? Maybe not that last one, but I think you get what I am gettin’ at.

I done right reel goods. SO spelling and grammar make me tense. (Yea that’s how to say that.) But which part of that which he spoke? All. Or none. Of the above’ll work. People lie. Everybody lies. So there’s that too.

ANYway. Back to the friendly neighbourhood coroner. Listening to TV news and radio news – AND i can even HEAR AND SEE it done in newspapers – even though spell-check corrects them.
Part of a coroner’s job is to perform (I have NO IDEA WHY ‘perform’ is the grammatically correct term there) – is to perform the autopsy on bodies in the morgue. Yes – autopsy is ALSO the correct word. That’s the part where cause of life and death are CONFIRMED by the person who generally DID NOT stab the guy in the face for buying 2-ply –NOT 3-ply- toilet paper.

I am sure you recognize the word – and more than LIKELY KNOW it’s meaning – but please SAY the word out loud with me…let the people around think (know) that you’re crazy talking out loud to no-one in the room – Just read the next sentence out loud with me.

The coroner performed the autopsy on Betty White.

[NOT factual! HA! Betty White lives on FOREVER!!]

ANYway – the autopsy was performed – even the imaginary one is – say it out loud – the AUTOPSY –

AWWWWWWWWWWWE – TOP – SEE.

NOT ODD-TOPSY.

STOP saying ODD-topsy. THAT IS NOT A WORD!

The coroner, performing the autopsy on jacK’s body, found that he succumb [səˈkəm] to stupid from humans in real life. And TV. And radio.

My apologies if I raised my voice there a little. My ODD-topsy dude hurt me a bit there with the knife.

ANYway – maybe a Christas theme – definitely not-so-much common sense – and definitely jacK – Now that we are allowed to say it again…Merry Christmas Ho-Ho-Ho and all that misFits! Be well – Stay well – and use your fvcking common sense all holiday long. Please?

I ONLY liquored at stoplights

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It’s a bizarre world with bizarre characters, absolute brilliance living alongside absolute stupidity. It’s not really working out for humans – but i’m having a blast juss watchin y’all all dance like partially trained monkeys playing monkey games in a kiddie-pool filled with vodka.

Anyway…

Speaking of vodka

This is Ray. Sometimes Ray can be brilliant
meet Ray?

Is Ray legally brilliant? Does Ray have a real good lawyer? Is Ray a drunk? Does Ray wear a tacky mullet? Yes, No, Maybe, and Yes.
I saw this photo on a news site, in an archive of sorts and and I was instantly interested in his brilliant statement. I don’t know if it legally worked or not – I would suspect it DID NOT work – but he maybe should have kicked the charges – if for nothing else – the brilliance in his defence.

You see Ray indeed wasn’t TECHNICALLY drinking and driving (at the same time) but he WAS over the legal limit of total alcohol consumption that evening.

A brilliant try Ray. A+ for creativity. A+ for the fact that EVEN PISS DRUNK your faculties were superior to most. A+ for outwitting the entire human collective – however the drunk driving is still a gigantic fail Ray. Fail

hell. You, Me and the Great Barrier Reef too!

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watching a true crime ‘documentary-style’ show on the brain-suck contraption. (that’s contraption NOT contraception sickos)
Anyway – the forensic doctor on this show SERIOUSLY made this statement:

“identical twins can have identical DNA – and they could also have completely different DNA too.”

may not be my favourite statement – BUT – it IS AT LEAST one level hell WORSE than the ‘stupid human’ info-ditty up above there. remember that AMAZING bit of forensic and human simplicity up there.

don’t worry fellow misfits, i will repeat that nugget of wisDumb up there so you can register it with your brain memory god up there in what should be your head.

identical twins [HELL – you, me AND the great barrier reef by that logic] can have identical DNA – and they [WE] could also have completely different DNA too.”

In my BEST Captain Kirk/William Shatner award presenting voice: ‘And it is. That. that wins. the coveted. Triple ‘D’ [Dead Dog and Donkey] award this week!

Congratulations Forensic Science wiZ! As DumB as it sounds.

Even MORE absurd ‘almost-cliches’ to throw in a dumpster.

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Part one of a multiple part series looking at cliches and nearly-cliches that drive me nuts! I will TRY NOT to editorialize a tonne throughout – *Note: I said TRY!

“To Be Honest”

How it’s generally said and generally heard: “To be honest, I’d rather drink a bottle of bleach than let you bleach my butt.”

What almost always follows the ‘To Be Honest’ opener is either a straight-up lie OR an exaggeration the person saying it feels is worthy of the ‘appeared’ grandiose statement. A great response…

So everything else you’ve ever said was dishonest then?

…you

“Basically”

Example of said and heard: “Basically, quantum theory is about small stuff we can’t see.”

This beauty is used by someone who thinks they are SO INTELLIGENT that they have to stupid-it down for everyone else.. Some people like to think ALL the information they bequeath is so epic that the stupid-it needs to be highlighted.

“I’m Not Even Joking”

Example of it’s use: “I once rode a dinosaur in a shopping mall, I’m not even joking.”

I’m not even joking.
SERIOUSLY though – if dinosaurs did NOT go extinct…you can bet I’d take one out for a spin or two! Jurassic-style.

“With All Due Respect”

My own example of use: ‘With all due respect – I am going to disrespect you now. Spoodge.’

It’s really a lame, weasel-like statement that tries to FURTHER insult the intelligence of the ‘hearer.’ It’s a middle finger used by petulant – arrogant humans.

“Giving It 110%”

Example of the statement in actual use: “It was hard work, but I gave it all of my 110%.”

I suck at mathematics. But even I know that 110% isn’t an actual number. To the speaker of this statement we’ll pretend a guy named Garth — I respond as such…

‘With all due respect Garth, to be perfectly honest, you are basically an idiot – I’m not even joking. Spoodge.

…LITERALLY rapid-fire stick-people

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Friend: Can you turn on and pre-heat the oven jacK?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of the oven – removing my touque-hat]
Friend: Everything you do jacK… WHY?

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” or the very similar same statement ‘dance like no one is watching.’
The Next…time you go to the grocery store, take them with you. Once in the store’s produce section looking for bananas – stop walking – and DO EITHER OF THOSE TWO THINGS. Hell – do em both! Sing like no one is listening and dance like no one is watching! You’ll quickly see that the person that told you to do those things – didn’t REALLY want you to actually (or literally) DO those things.

some quick ones to wrap today’s rapid-fire…sorta like – or LITERALLY a bow.

This ‘being an adult’ is literally bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Those stick figures on the back of your vehicle – I know that I THOUGHT it was your kill count – and that made perfect sense to me – 2nd option was the ‘passenger-manifest’ for when authorities or searchers literally found your SUV over an embankment. Notsomuch for identifying the bodies as identifying the NUMBER of bodies to literally EXPECT inside the wreck.

LITERALLY. Literally is literally one of the worst words literally ever. Next time this word enters your brain for you to SAY – literally BURN IT. The thought, the word, or the brain thinking it. You are MOST DEFINITELY going to use the word wrong. It doesn’t mean what YOU THINK it means so DON’T SAY IT! Please? EVER?

Ok misFits – i will literally see you next time.