Month: April 2023
NAH! they wOn’T sPiT on yOUr BurGEr!
common sense (long pause for dramatic effect) is (another pause – this time for the shatner effect) notsomuch common now is it? There is ALWAYS at least one dumb-dumb that (DESPITE the whole covid thing) sneezes or coughs without covering their mouth. Or the person who takes up two seats on a bus or a train or an airplane because they like to sit with their legs spread out. As much as we’d like to live in a world where everybody is well-mannered or NOT self centred – there will ALWAYS be people who lack common sense or mindfulness or basic manners in the most common of situations.
the list ahead WILL require you to use some of your own common sense and will lack SOME descriptors and SOME verbal lawn chair snacks that you will be required to assume. ok? good. moving on.
not using your turn signals
when exactly did it become normal for people to ignore the most basic rules of driving? did i miss a memo?
teXting and driving
Just don’t do this one. Don’t. You’re risking yours and someone else’s life for a text, it’s not worth it, and no matter what you’re typing, it will never be as important as being ALIVE at the road.
and speaking of…. 500 years on
consuming alcohol or drugs and driving
come on? really? THIS kinda SH!T is not only selfish AF – but also (a word that i almost NEVER use) it’s effin STUPID. yet ANOTHER reason why – the aliens just fly right by with locked doors
not leaving space with other cars on the highway
It’s a well-known fact that driving too close to someone is not safe, and no matter what you’re trying to prove, it’s in poor taste to harass somebody by driving as close as of couple of meters from their car.
placing the chicken breasts or chicken wings or hamburger or iced cream with the magazines or batteries at the cashiers’ stand
you decided NOT to purchase the frozen or perishable food item. (it happens – even to people who actually THINK.) but instead of retuning it to where you got it or even just rudely leaving the items with the cashier – you BRILLIANTLY decide that the pound of hamburger and the seafood medley really SHOULD have been located between the D-cell batteries and the 600 channel satellite tv guide.
i mean – the seafood doesn’t NEED to be kept at a SAFE temperature — just ask SpongeBob.
and the DUMBEST of all… being rude to your server or waiter or waitress or non binary – non ethnicity defining consumables cooked-or-otherwise deliverer person or home delivery driver (whatever is politically correct in 2023)
you know – that person who brings your food in a restaurant – or delivers your food to your home on the other days of the week? BRINGS YOU YOUR FOOD? that nourishment that goes IN YOUR MOUTH but NOT before passing through THAT person’s hands? hands that MIGHT have been washed and definitely NOT ANYWHERE NEAR the cracks of their perpetually – and safely – cleaned and sanitized asses.
and DON’T WORRY! not they nor SpongeBob will have spat on your Crabby Patty before it’s arrival to you. you can DEFINITELY TRUST the VERY poorly paid and the VERY poorly treated kids responsible for NOT tampering with your FOOD after you’ve been a top-shelf douche or dick-head to them.
the playground cigarette monstrosity
by jacX – staffwriter @(jaXasms.ca)
you know i noticed something the other day – hit the grocery store and i stopped at the park to eat the iced cream cone i’d bought. ok. the tub of iced cream i bought. ANYway – stopped at the park to eat AN iced cream – what i noticed – there was an old guy and his lady friend doing much the same as me – a young lady was in the (no dogs allowed) park throwing a ball or a bean bag for her imaginary pup – and an even younger lady with her infant child. it COULD have been her little brother cause she looked too young to have a chid – HOWEVER – with all the inmates running the asylum, it was probably her child. ANY-ANYway – what i took note of – the playground was empty. all that equipment just sitten there. there were NO CHILDREN – except of course the child and her baby or maybe her brother and maybe the dog – i had no idea how old the k9 was
that’s it? the sun was shining. it was t-shirt warm. it was dry – no rain – there weren’t even any kids there smoking behind the tire monstrosity swing climbing thing. nary a youngster anywhere. (nary means NOT) ANY-ANY-ANYway –
remember when YOU were younger? being at the park with friends playen ball or playen on the equipment playen with your little girlfriend/boyfriend or smoking cigarettes? yea, me too.
i hear many a complaint about kids nowadays sitting on their phones or playing on the Xbox or whatever is ‘hip’ this week. no respect, no drive to get off the couch, or even get out of bed to be on the cel phone or X box. i get it! the little ungrateful pukes sitten around the house.
HERE’S A THOUGHT!
get up off YOUR ass and cel phone and go into the bathroom and direct all those gripes into the mirror.
And once you are done whining about the ungrateful pukes in your tv room to your reflection…take YOUR cel phone-LESS ass into the tv room and do ONE of two things:
thing #1. you could sit down with them and play on the X boX and bitch about your mean parents who made y’all get out of bed! may talk to them about street drugs, the cost of said street drugs, and complain that your parents never gave you money to buy any
thing #2! you TELL them to follow you like you were the Pied Piper (that story in that book of fairy tales that you DIDN’T read to them a few years back?) maybe you can tell them the story as you lead them to the corner or nearby store to get em all (and you) iced cream and then hit the EMPTY park? play on the stuff, play tag, or HELL – even smoke a cigarette with ‘em behind the tire monstrosity!
harken back to a few broken bones, numerous skinned knees, skinned elbows, black eyes and hurt feelings of YOUR younger years! and INSTEAD of bitching to your friends about the ungrateful pukes – get outside WITH them! – maybe even to that EMPTY park – skin their knees! break some bones! blacken a few eyes! it won’t be long before the lazy and selfish (sound familiar) pukes will be in the emergency room getting a busted digit repaired or sitting behind the tire swing with you ALMOST getting fresh air!
commonsensically thinX about it. or nah! what the hell do i know about YOUR kids? – i’ve never even met em! and you ARE doing a bang-up job turning them into ungrateful pukes that you complain about. whatever – you get one of these!