Changes to Only Fans and PornHub Over and Under Blown [Pun Intended]

sar-kast-inks., saTires

by: jacK (staffwriter) jaxasms.ca
<satires>

Many [mostly men] people who were worried by recent leaking stories about the removal of porn from mostly porn sites Only Fans, PornHub, and Netflix can pant a little easier this weekend after jaxasms.ca speaks with insiders familiar with pornography, videos, and skate-boarding who say ‘HOLD TIGHT’ as the report appears to be prematurely jaxulated.

Reports in the last week or so had the PornHub, OnlyFans, and NetFlix providers banning porn from their paid services. Blowback was nearly immediate and surprisingly sustained for the week as many [mostly men] have been claiming a violation of varying ‘rights’ and ‘needs.’ Spokespeople for The Internet expressed confusion and that the decisions came as ‘shock and awe’ surprise. And that they were not notified, and the required month’s notice was not given. A spokeshuman for The Internet (wanting to remain anonymous) told me that the trio, if reports were true, would not be getting their damage deposit back, and likely be charged for clean-up of their ‘messes’ and damages made to the world-wide-web.

Speaking exclusively to jaxasms.ca – insiders Dallas Montague and Debbie Rohing agreed that Internet housing agreements would be violated if the rumours turned into fact, resulting in the revoking of damage deposits and the multi-billion dollar clean up charges for the billions of ‘messes’ left all around the web. “Everyone on the Internet and elsewhere is fully aware of the value in porn,” stated Rohing, “But there is always a trade-off when it comes to sex services. I mean the clean-up of all that paper pornography when we here at the Internet set up shop was MASSIVE. The poor environment saw a surge in paper and paper-like solid waste before people (mostly men) made the full-on switch to tube socks.”

“We must be economically real here as the winds of change, like the Scorpions rock and roll radio hit Winds of Change almost predicted,” Montague emphatically stated. She went on to say that maybe it was time to start thinking about government bail-outs for the Internet.” Montague brushed tears from her cheek with a lace braced tissue, and loudly concluded with “The fucking internet is our life! This isn’t a Lego or Arnie movie that will be back!”

Both Montague and Rohing ended this important discussion at that point. Both leaving behind what the industry calls Après-Stills. Their doctored photos (stills) were, what Rohing called, business cards. Stay tuned to jaxasms.ca for any updates and the clean-up status reports.

For your listening parts. The Scorpions Winds of Change as mentioned above courtesy of the YouTube and of course, The Scorpions.

https://youtu.be/n4RjJKxsamQ

Baby Manipulation AND Cake 2.0

saTires

A reminder: Part 2 of 2 Satirical pieces

If you are anything like me – quite some time ago – long before the covid – you basically threw the collection, AKA the human species, under the metaphorical bus to be in solitary. So people – face to face contact with people – OUT. A whole lot of ‘alone-time’ IN.

Back to part too of the baby manipulation. And cake!

Now one would think that dealing with a baby would be a piece of cake – Babies LOVE cake! Whence they hit solid foods anyway. So BRING cake! If applicable. As the ‘Bringer of Fun Things’ you are BRINGING IT! Once in the presence of baby, smile, maybe mutter some baby-talk, and present – CAKE!

So once the baby and yourself are (if not eating, EVEN if not eating) buried in the yummy cake you must QUICKLY move to part two of the final solutions to your task in hand. Because you planned ahead – you can now, as the official ‘Bringer of Fun,’ bring forward your (MY) pure stroke of brilliance – An empty cardboard box. OK, an ALMOST empty cardboard box. Babies LOVE cardboard boxes! And within seconds the baby has established you as ‘King of the World,’ and reveres you as such. Though YOU are bored, baby is definitely NOT bored. Trust me on this.

fealty much?

After a bit of suspense is built…encourage baby to lift the lid on the box. THIS will be your piece-du-resistance, the ace up your sleeve, and your final ascent to ABSOLUTE TRUST and FEALTY.

Upon opening the box – LEAPING from the empty – a brown, or black, Lab-Retriever PUPPY! Baby is now PUTTY!

You are bearded and dressed as a Hipster Blair Witch, black and white, and Finding Nemo Dr. Seuss character that has blessed Baby with an adorable Labrador puppy, a friend in the mirror, BOTH playing with jingle jangle car keys – and looking upon YOU – the KING of all things adorable, jingle jangle, the ULTIMATE ‘Bringer of the Fun!’

Keep in mind though, that Baby (like all babies and me) is suffering from ADHD and will forget you and your heroic acts, in fairly short order. So some maintenance will be required. The maintenance and all fealty to your prowess, however, WILL EXPIRE at around 18 months of age..

Beyond the 18 months – You are on your own – I can’t help you there. I may have suggestions, but between 18 months and 18 years my recommendations on Baby are virtually useless. Good luck in that time!

If all of the above manipulation DOES NOT earn you the ultimate trust crown…PLAY Peek-a-Boo. That always works in this department. (Babies = Dumb. Remember?)

See you and Baby, in 2032 or so.

Baby Manipulation AND Cake 1.0

saTires

Part one of two SATIRICAL pieces

should I repeat that? Nah. It’s NOT like YOU’RE a baby right!?

In this IMPORTANT episode in a two part series, and the first actual episode, that is notsomuch an episode as an article, essay, assay, bedtime story for stressed adults trying to survive their lives in a workaday world Run BY DMC – and the new North American Government making things nice and rappy. AND we’re talking about ADULTS and PARENTS here! PG 13 stuff. Not in front of the parents!

Lucky for you, you SHOULD be smarter than the baby you’re trying to manipulate into trusting you. Stay with me kids. Focus on your smarty, and not the drooling, weepy, crappy, smelly mini-human.

The FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT step in manipulating the kid is THIS: Acknowledge your superior intellect (That you’re WAY SMARTER than the baby that CAN’T REALLY convert your metric tonne weight into that simple American Weight Measure called pounds. Babies are DUMB remember.)

Let’s get going shall we…YOU MUST MAKE the baby recognize you, followed by TRUSTING you.

Babies are keen observers of CONTRAST – so you MUST use this to your advantage in the endeavour. Other than contrast, babies LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING – so let’s work on his/her level – you need those hipster Black thick-rimmed glasses. OR, even sunglasses work well as a recognition trigger too. My suggestion is to wear black and white clothing – The fashion you’re looking for is Dr. Seuss meets The Blair Witch, with a touch of Dr. Evil.

Growing a Long Dark beard would also assist in recognition. The contrast thing again.

Two more quick tips to get your baby to recognize you in a positive manner so as to further your manipulation plan. You need to have a mirror and a set of keys to establish yourself as the “Bringer of Fun Things.”

FIRST the keys. Jingle jangle, jingle jangle FUN FUN FUN! It’s okay that the keys notsomuch entertained you – it was meant to fool the dumb baby. Stay focussed.

SECOND the mirror. Put the mirror in front of the baby. It will feel very comfortable and entertained to have another dumb baby to play with! PLUS they are more comfortable in a pack. No, not gum – a pack of dumb – babies.

Presto – Bango! Baby is with friends, distracted by car keys, and starting to recognize YOU!

Next time – NOW that you are the recognizable bringer of the fun – we talk TRUST. Like in video games – this is level difficulty 2! Time to level UP and establish dominance and superiority over the situation – AND THEN. The dumb baby.

See you – and Baby – in version 2.0.