Even MORE absurd ‘almost-cliches’ to throw in a dumpster.

useless, words *absurd*, YOU said it

Part one of a multiple part series looking at cliches and nearly-cliches that drive me nuts! I will TRY NOT to editorialize a tonne throughout – *Note: I said TRY!

“To Be Honest”

How it’s generally said and generally heard: “To be honest, I’d rather drink a bottle of bleach than let you bleach my butt.”

What almost always follows the ‘To Be Honest’ opener is either a straight-up lie OR an exaggeration the person saying it feels is worthy of the ‘appeared’ grandiose statement. A great response…

So everything else you’ve ever said was dishonest then?

…you

“Basically”

Example of said and heard: “Basically, quantum theory is about small stuff we can’t see.”

This beauty is used by someone who thinks they are SO INTELLIGENT that they have to stupid-it down for everyone else.. Some people like to think ALL the information they bequeath is so epic that the stupid-it needs to be highlighted.

“I’m Not Even Joking”

Example of it’s use: “I once rode a dinosaur in a shopping mall, I’m not even joking.”

I’m not even joking.
SERIOUSLY though – if dinosaurs did NOT go extinct…you can bet I’d take one out for a spin or two! Jurassic-style.

“With All Due Respect”

My own example of use: ‘With all due respect – I am going to disrespect you now. Spoodge.’

It’s really a lame, weasel-like statement that tries to FURTHER insult the intelligence of the ‘hearer.’ It’s a middle finger used by petulant – arrogant humans.

“Giving It 110%”

Example of the statement in actual use: “It was hard work, but I gave it all of my 110%.”

I suck at mathematics. But even I know that 110% isn’t an actual number. To the speaker of this statement we’ll pretend a guy named Garth — I respond as such…

‘With all due respect Garth, to be perfectly honest, you are basically an idiot – I’m not even joking. Spoodge.

an irony – a sarCastony – a couple pictures – and some notsomuch nice words

#askjaxasms, @jaxasms, useless

Let’s get it started with a bit of a summary? If not a summary – a possible, maybe probable, an onomatopoeia.

your an idiot

**millions and millions on that internet thing all the kids are buzzing about

onomatopoeia (LOOK AT ALL THOSE VOWELS!) – definitely irony. On all of the social medias i partake in, including reputable blogs and websites, you (me) find that exact statement. Word for every three words of idiocy. see the irony in there?

Hint: it’s YOU’RE not your – (snark*)

Pro-Tip: as you read – HEAR it in the biggest sarcastic voice you can imagine*

jacK

Onward and upward – actually downward but…

the dead dog and donKey award! if you are sarCastic – or you know a masTersarCaster – show me the stuff – I’ll show up with the award.

A new self portrait
Not a selfie

This ditty was made by someone else and contributed over there on the twitter – @jaxasms

QUITE A FEW more! Cept the two jaXasms items that i made – the others are all submitted by readers like you! The shoes are MINE! Only the best dress/sports/casual shoes EVER made!

And LASTERLY superheroes and characters on the toilet! JUST WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT?

Morals…and Stüff

@jaxasms, useless

by jacK: staffwriter (jaxasms.ca)

First quote below is from a CV, second is from an intranet dating site, third is from a local newsletter. ALL of them extolling the virtues of sarcasm. Almost.

<Author redacted>

“…when my business, family, or personal life is challenged, I sincerely appreciate my unique ability to use sarcasm as a tool.”

Okay then Mr. Human Resources Manager.

<Author redacted>

“…men love my sarcastic AF attitude – and I love that sarcasm is like my love language.”

Please Miss. Don’t even CONSIDER me to be loved by you. Love your love-language? The kids table is right over there. Tuh-tuh-shhhhhhh

<Reporter/Restaurant Owner Guy redacted>

“…sarcasm and sarcastic attitudes are what helps our kitchen operate successfully under the extreme pressure felt by having the most popular restaurant in town.”

Just boil an egg buddy. Stay TF away from my home kitchen.

NOW kids, the english definition of the key word used in those three examples.

<Webster’s Dictionary Online>

sarcasm
a.: a mode of satirical wit depending, for its effect, on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

b.: the use or language OF sarcasm.

And there’s more kids!…some questions/ideas on all that up there…generally speaking.

HOW…After seeing ESPECIALLY the definition of sarcasm, can you possibly think that using it as a descriptor of WHO YOU ARE – is a good thing?

All of the definitions are negative. If you’ve ever been personally sarcasted, you know it doesn’t REALLY feel all that good.

Having sarcasm in your toolbox for your work with others might ‘actually’ be useful to you – BUT – saying so on a CV is probably NOT in your best interest dum-ass.

A CV is an academic or pretentious version of your ‘resume.’ A CV uses probably EVERY smart word in your BRAIN’S toolbox before you are able to finish the ‘contact’ (address/phone number) part.

Curriculum Vitae, a Latin term meaning course of life, got tossed about a lot when I was in graduate school. I’m fairly sure that I pretended to know what it meant the first few times I heard it, only to go home and Google it or look it up in the dictionary*, and educate myself before it came up in casual conversation again.

*A dictionary is/was a shorter – but longhand bound/paper version of Google – BEFORE there was a Google, and before this intranet thing started to gain some popularity.

I quickly learned that dissertation-defending PhDs didn’t have resumes, they had CV’s. Unlike the resume, which lists work history and experiences, along with a brief summary of your unique skills and education, the CV is a far more comprehensive document. It goes above and beyond a mention of education and work experience and often lists—in thoughtful detail—your achievements, awards, honors, and publications, stuff universities care about when they’re hiring teaching staff. Unlike a resume, which is rarely longer than a one-sided single page, the CV can be two, six, or even 12 pages long—depending on your professional achievements.

And the moral of this story is in your C and your V. (Not THAT V. Or I guess the C too.)

Next…

STOOPID FACKS!

useless

by jacK: staffwriter (jaxasms.ca)

Oh yea – couple things between now and then.

Thing 1 👇

Thing 2 👇👇

Uber-Useless Facks

Sometimes.

Knowing nothing is
well
knowing very little.

Most pandas in the world are on LOAN from China

The Super Soaker was designed and invented by a NASA engineer (That’s that American rocket science biz – run by 4th graders in Mrs. Lewis’ work experience (creating) class. Apparently)

Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down

Barbie and Ken broke up in 2004. (But don’t worry kids!! They got back together in 2011.)

One single teaspoon of honey represents the LIFE work of 12 bees

It’s impossible to tickle yourself

Also impossible…licking your own elbow (tried it. I don’t buy this fact. And then I got distracted)

Finland has the most metal bands (that’s metal MUSIC) per capita

According to research, fans of classical music and those who love heavy metal have shown to have similar personalities

Metallica (a metal-band – the link there) is the only band to have played on all seven continents. (including Antarctica.)

Music has some pretty interesting effects on living things. It makes plants grow faster and cows produce more milk

For the year (In the year) 2016, Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce

Prince is credited with playing 27 different instruments on his debut album. (Do YOU know how to play the piano?)

Listening to music can improve your physical performance. (This also APPLIES between the sheets.)

in other useless news…

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year

Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons. Ummm – No sh!t?

Nearly 10 percent of ALL dreams include sex

It’s possible to turn peanut butter into diamonds.

And finally – Thank eff right!?

It’s been calculated that the average woman will “EAT” about FOUR POUNDS of lipstick throughout the course of her life. Umm… Blech!

A post to come in the near future…notsomuch useless stuff – but stuff that’s been MADE UP…Mostly by me…But..

Look out for them NodderWalldn!