Even MORE absurd ‘almost-cliches’ to throw in a dumpster.

useless, words *absurd*, YOU said it

Part one of a multiple part series looking at cliches and nearly-cliches that drive me nuts! I will TRY NOT to editorialize a tonne throughout – *Note: I said TRY!

“To Be Honest”

How it’s generally said and generally heard: “To be honest, I’d rather drink a bottle of bleach than let you bleach my butt.”

What almost always follows the ‘To Be Honest’ opener is either a straight-up lie OR an exaggeration the person saying it feels is worthy of the ‘appeared’ grandiose statement. A great response…

So everything else you’ve ever said was dishonest then?

…you

“Basically”

Example of said and heard: “Basically, quantum theory is about small stuff we can’t see.”

This beauty is used by someone who thinks they are SO INTELLIGENT that they have to stupid-it down for everyone else.. Some people like to think ALL the information they bequeath is so epic that the stupid-it needs to be highlighted.

“I’m Not Even Joking”

Example of it’s use: “I once rode a dinosaur in a shopping mall, I’m not even joking.”

I’m not even joking.
SERIOUSLY though – if dinosaurs did NOT go extinct…you can bet I’d take one out for a spin or two! Jurassic-style.

“With All Due Respect”

My own example of use: ‘With all due respect – I am going to disrespect you now. Spoodge.’

It’s really a lame, weasel-like statement that tries to FURTHER insult the intelligence of the ‘hearer.’ It’s a middle finger used by petulant – arrogant humans.

“Giving It 110%”

Example of the statement in actual use: “It was hard work, but I gave it all of my 110%.”

I suck at mathematics. But even I know that 110% isn’t an actual number. To the speaker of this statement we’ll pretend a guy named Garth — I respond as such…

‘With all due respect Garth, to be perfectly honest, you are basically an idiot – I’m not even joking. Spoodge.

How exactly are humans NOT extinct?

words *absurd*

Space travel. Submarines. Super-Computers.

ALL created by a species that needs a warning label on carcinogenic cigarettes and HOT coffee? Say whatnow?

I present to you a product that you BUY to stick in your ear, that a company manufactures in order TO stick in your ear – complete with instructions on HOW to use it after sticking it into your ear.

And in perfect human form…ADD THIS WARNING LABEL TO THE BOX.

The warning label *Roughly translated: WARNING: DO buy/Thanks FOR buying our ear canal cleaner. Everything BUT the ear canal can be cleaned with a wash cloth and soap, so thank you. If used to clean ears? Umm I BOUGHT these notsomuch safety ear canal sticks to CLEAN my ears. And. Keep out of reach of your human children. They ARE your children. If you’re stupid enough to scratch your brain with one of these darts – I can almost GUARANTEE that they are MORE THAN stupid enough to do the same. The whole ‘genetic-lottery’ thing – that your offspring LOST.

AGAIN…Do NOT forget — STOP pushing the Q-tip into your skull if you feel ANY resistance.

Believe it or NOT humans aren’t extinct. yet.

sär-kä-zëms*sätires*wizDumbs*wits

jaXasms.ca *sar-ka-zems.ink*

Category: words *absurd*