Tag: #askjaxasms

your PERFECT life-plan [or just day-plan if you wish]

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by jacK: staffwriter (jaxasms.ca)

IF you follow ALL of these steps.

by jacK – staffwriter

Get up in the morning tomorrow, get dressed appropriately – and go to the job you’d like to have. When you arrive, start working. DO NOT stop working until the police arrive to remove you from the building.

Be removed, without incident, and go to the police station.

After arriving at the station, use your opportunity to use the phone to contact ALL of the media in your town to attend a Press Conference at the station in an hour. Once done that –

START WORKING at the police station. It will take them about an hour to discover what you are up to, and about the time your new job at the police station is ending – newspaper, radio, and TV reporters will have arrived at the station for YOUR Press Conference.

In your press conference – Regale the adventures of your day. How you started the day unemployed, but began work at Company A – only to be found out that you didn’t ACTUALLY work there. The police picked you up there and brought you to the station so that you could start your new Media Liaison job for them.

Unemployed at 7am. A long career at company A in the morning, and then finish the day as Chief Media Liaison for the police,

What a day! A question though…

What are we going to do tonight Brain?

The SAME thing we do EVERY night Pinky… Try to take-over the world.

How exactly are humans NOT extinct?

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Space travel. Submarines. Super-Computers.

ALL created by a species that needs a warning label on carcinogenic cigarettes and HOT coffee? Say whatnow?

I present to you a product that you BUY to stick in your ear, that a company manufactures in order TO stick in your ear – complete with instructions on HOW to use it after sticking it into your ear.

And in perfect human form…ADD THIS WARNING LABEL TO THE BOX.

The warning label *Roughly translated: WARNING: DO buy/Thanks FOR buying our ear canal cleaner. Everything BUT the ear canal can be cleaned with a wash cloth and soap, so thank you. If used to clean ears? Umm I BOUGHT these notsomuch safety ear canal sticks to CLEAN my ears. And. Keep out of reach of your human children. They ARE your children. If you’re stupid enough to scratch your brain with one of these darts – I can almost GUARANTEE that they are MORE THAN stupid enough to do the same. The whole ‘genetic-lottery’ thing – that your offspring LOST.

AGAIN…Do NOT forget — STOP pushing the Q-tip into your skull if you feel ANY resistance.

Believe it or NOT humans aren’t extinct. yet.

sär-kä-zëms.ink

jaXasms.ca

Tag: #askjaxasms

    Stupid – Stupid Humans

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    This Covid thing has provided me with some good, quality, people watching opportunities. I LOVE watching them – Just NOT a fan of talking to them.

    ANYway. One city is quarantined – it’s next door neighbour is not. One country is closed down and the US remains open for business. One airline is shut down – while another is there with extra flights.

    Call me a dummy, a pessimist, a glass-half-empty, or even an encourager – BUT

    Isn’t that like having a ‘pee-section’ in the neighbourhood swimming pool? Well, except the death part.

    a welcome [to the cranium]

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    by jacK – staffwriter

    [bc, canada (jaxasms.ca)] a morning in the brain of – jacK. this is but an hour or so in jacK’s brain, and by writing this short story, you’ll NOT want to visit that brain for ANY amount of time!

    did you know that everyone who inhales, and relies on, oxygen – normally dies within about 80 years?

    How bout some OTHER ‘did you know’s.’

    • 70% of the earth is covered in water and 29% is covered in idiots.
    • Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is a lot like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
    • America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
    • I’m really good at doing stuff until people actually watch me doing stuff.
    • Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
    • The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not – will lead to a sweet candy reward.
    • Accidentally fell asleep smoking my e-cigarette/vape and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
    • The light at the end of the tunnel… is an oncoming train.
    • Twitter is basically Facebook’s smoking section.
    • Saying “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is FUNNY AF when someone hands you their baby.
    • That had I shot you sooner – I’d be out of prison by now.

    AND a ‘finally did you know?’ I’ve never understood how the Nazis couldn’t find where Anne Frank was hiding. I was in the area, AND there are signs pointing to her house everywhere!