ALL created by a species that needs a warning label on carcinogenic cigarettes and HOT coffee? Say whatnow?
I present to you a product that you BUY to stick in your ear, that a company manufactures in order TO stick in your ear – complete with instructions on HOW to use it after sticking it into your ear.
And in perfect human form…ADD THIS WARNING LABEL TO THE BOX.
The warning label *Roughly translated: WARNING: DO buy/Thanks FOR buying our ear canal cleaner. Everything BUT the ear canal can be cleaned with a wash cloth and soap, so thank you. If used to clean ears? Umm I BOUGHT these notsomuch safety ear canal sticks to CLEAN my ears. And. Keep out of reach of your human children. They ARE your children. If you’re stupid enough to scratch your brain with one of these darts – I can almost GUARANTEE that they are MORE THAN stupid enough to do the same. The whole ‘genetic-lottery’ thing – that your offspring LOST.
AGAIN…Do NOT forget — STOP pushing the Q-tip into your skull if you feel ANY resistance.
Probably a question we humans SHOULD be asking ourselves in the morning mirror instead of ego-boosting self flatteries, or on the internet asking which fetish for breakfast on the PornHub this morning.
Humans NEED to calm the fvck down. It’s just like the majority of our earthly problems in 2021 (NO. Not covid) – it’s rooted in our extreme encouraged narcissism.
I ACTUALLY have to weed through the letters to me here at jaxasms.ca – to outright DELETE some of the hateful words, comments, insults, blah blah blah. HATE. HATE. HATE. I get SOME of the anger (at least mine) cause other humans suck, I suck, and you suck.
But really? We MUST just calm the fvck down kids!
I mean, honestly, we are angry about the MOST ridiculous things that DO NOT directly impact any of us. Who cares if your nosey neighbour walks his dog at 5am? Does it actually affect you in ANY way? No, no it doesn’t. A dog in the cul-de-sac barking non-stop? The answer is in the statement – NON-STOP. That ‘non’ word dear human MEANS NO! In this case NO STOPPING! So it’s annoying, yes, it’s not necessary, yes – but it is def NOT worth popping-your-top over? Right?
Notsomuch COMMON SENSE abound. In the dog, the dog owner, the neighbours, and YOU.
EVERY human (including me, including you) NEED to just calm the fvck down. Stop being so angry! Bro?
Fairly simple setup. At least for me anyway. I am leaving a local store, not a Wally’s or The Bay – an actual local store, after picking up batteries. (NOT for that sicko!) –
So I am finished at the till, and turn to head for the exit. On my way out I see a woman (a middle-aged woman which will be important in a moment) and she has some of the most amazing ink work (tattoo) I have seen in a very long time. While the woman herself did not put the ink on her arm and shoulder, i felt like I HAD to compliment her on the piece. So I DID. And this is EXACTLY what I said: “Excuse me. I just had to tell you – I think your ink is amazing!” I was smiling, did not touch her, in fact I was about 4 feet away from her with my mask on, and ONLY said those words.
Her response, “No you fvcking don’t – fvcker.”
This is how the rest of THAT conversation went: ”Excuse me?” I responded in FULL ON SARCASM TONE. To which she said, “Fvck you, you slimy perverted fvck!” “Did I NOT just compliment SOMEONE ELSE’S work on YOUR arm,” I replied NOT POLITELY, followed by, “or did I say different words than the AMAZING INK I thought I said?” – honestly stepping on her next statement, “????<#@$# (The part I talked over) just get away from me!”
Ok, the ‘my-side.’ I WAS NOT hitting on, or flirting with, the woman. She was a rather unattractive, unwashed, and UNmasked, middle-aged hippie or homeless person. So SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that I was definitely complimenting someone else, and NOT her.
I admit that I was insulted and needed to put some time-space between the incident and penning this story.
BUT with distance and some hindsight, I WILL say that I am not good with compliments. Especially face to face. I have no idea how to respond to them, and likely come off as awkward and dumb. I KNOW – those are the TOP TWO actions that indicate flirting, BUT, ummm, errrrrm, I don’t know where I was headed with that thought EXCEPT to maybe say this:
She had a few appropriate options available to her I think? – She could have easily JUST walked away, like she did, but with her mouth shut? She could have grunted, looked up and shot a dirty look? She could have said “thanks” and walked away? Or (an option just a little bit OUT THERE) She could have torn off her tank top revealing her naked and dirty upper body and one of her first ever body alterations, her likely pierced belly button and Celtic tramp-stamp on her lower back, and danced a little jig to The Captain and Tennille playing on the store’s in-house mix tape, before floating out of the store on her cloud-fricken-6, or first gen jet-ski bought at Canadian Tire in 1991 – having a kiss-my-ass patch on the ass of her white-trash version of cut-off shorts, with pockets and flaps hanging out the front, and bruised-looking ass cheeks falling out the back.
OR MAYBE – what would YOU have done, in either case – me or her?
Do you – like me – ever listen, or read, or think, and then yell at nearly the top of your lungs – WHAT THE FFFFFugly FFFFug! If so, you’re likely to recognize some of the words, sentences, thoughts, and utterings below. Hopefully I don’t trigger you – but it WOULD be funnerer if I did right!?
So that you might find it easier to read todays story – Here is how it will be roughly laid out. First will be the title/category in which that group of D!tch and Sh!ts are housed. Then the word or phrase in need of the D!tch, followed by my comedic relief or badly placed in the stitch of time that we occupy’s, my reaction, the notsomuch common sense. The concern or fright and any other Sh!t that may apply! And now this:
Part One –‘Do you even HEAR yourself speak?’
Can I Interrupt? You just effin did! Wouldn’t a statement work MUCH better? Maybe like Hey! I’m interrupting!
TBH – To Be Honest No matter what follows this statement it’s usually a lie. Check it.
It is what it is. Huh. This statement is just annoying. That’s what IT IS.
Part Two – ‘The extra words are for what now?’
We can DEFINITELY do that – But really. CAN you do it?
I’m LITERALLY puking – It literally makes no sense at all for the word literally to literally appear, in this sentence. Kids – take it from me – it is literally the best decision to make based on seismic data collected from the planet Mars. Apparently leaving the word literally OUT of a sentence, literally makes no literal difference in the meaning, or the literal impact, of the sentence. Literally – go back through this paragraph on literally puking, and literally remove the word ‘literally’ from it. The message of the paragraph remains unchanged – your tongue stays untangled – and your mind registers the win as a win-win win. You can literally remove all but 1 of the wins too. Sports is literally the worst metaphor for life.
How about ‘I PERSONALLY feel.’ I think the ‘I’ is personal and, much like literally, you can literally remove the extra word, personally, and literally NOTHING changes. And it sounds stupid too.
I will STOP 🛑 right here – let the brain take a rest. I WILL however come back to this story/topic and likely, or literally, continue to find this sh!t.
I, personally, can definitely say so long, with literally dozens of words sooooooooooo busy-bodied that I definitely, am personally literally puking them out for the sake of lunacy, literal lunacy, not the supposed commercial king that feeds on the donkey’s teet in order to totally transcend — stuff.
Most (about 99%) of the world’s laws, bylaws, rules, even like shampoo bottle warnings – are just common sense. I cannot believe I even have to say that, but I DO. If you have a fork in your hand – do you NEED to be told NOT to jab it in your eye? For most people the answer to that is NO sh!t!
I KNOW that you ARE capable of using, and recognizing, common sense. A LOT of you may appear on the surface that grasping that is a way beyond your capabilities – BUT IT IS NOT!
What brought this on is a bunch of questions put to jaxasms.ca about the Covid 19 thing. Mask up. Over your nose, over your chin, DUH? If UNFILTERED air is making it inside your body – cover it up? If the unfiltered air is making it inside your person – YOUR unfiltered air is out there to be inhaled. Again DUH. I am NOT a disease expert – an expert like Dr. Teresa Tam or Dr. Bonnie Henry – or an expert on ANYTHING medical. I am kinda like an expert on common sense. 1+1=2. Stop and THINK a bit here kids
Do like me do. Compare everything to a campfire or stovetop. ALWAYS. Apply MY (what I call it) CampFire/StoveTop theory to your own self stuff. COMMON SENSE is your body’s/brain’s natural reaction to the CampFire Theory. If you touch the flames – you get burned. THAT is simple stuff AND it hurts! A bit of reinforcement of the ‘You’re an Idiot’ feeling. Common sense, or as I call it ‘notsomuch common sense,’ is the same. It’s what you USED when you DID NOT stick your face into the campfire.
Life is the same kids. THAT is HOW you muster up the common sense that SHOULD be required, and quite frankly, SHOULD be second nature to us stupid humans.
That’s it! You now have the tool necessary to execute on common sense Every. Single. Time. Now just use it! Woo-Hoo! Right?
But you won’t, and I will be saying this same stuff next week. Ok, whatever.