Friend: Can you turn on and pre-heat the oven jacK?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of the oven – removing my touque-hat]
Friend: Everything you do jacK… WHY?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” or the very similar same statement ‘dance like no one is watching.’
The Next…time you go to the grocery store, take them with you. Once in the store’s produce section looking for bananas – stop walking – and DO EITHER OF THOSE TWO THINGS. Hell – do em both! Sing like no one is listening and dance like no one is watching! You’ll quickly see that the person that told you to do those things – didn’t REALLY want you to actually (or literally) DO those things.
some quick ones to wrap today’s rapid-fire…sorta like – or LITERALLY a bow.
This ‘being an adult’ is literally bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Those stick figures on the back of your vehicle – I know that I THOUGHT it was your kill count – and that made perfect sense to me – 2nd option was the ‘passenger-manifest’ for when authorities or searchers literally found your SUV over an embankment. Notsomuch for identifying the bodies as identifying the NUMBER of bodies to literally EXPECT inside the wreck.
LITERALLY. Literally is literally one of the worst words literally ever. Next time this word enters your brain for you to SAY – literally BURN IT. The thought, the word, or the brain thinking it. You are MOST DEFINITELY going to use the word wrong. It doesn’t mean what YOU THINK it means so DON’T SAY IT! Please? EVER?
Ok misFits – i will literally see you next time.
OTTAWA – Doctors and the Canadian Government made a sweetheart ‘vaccine deal’ — APPARENTLY to save the lives of millions of conspiracy theory surrounding a secret vaccine oath between Canadian doctors and the government has been confirmed, revealing medical professionals are pushing vaccinations in order to save your life.
According to Yellowit user @I_M_Alberta_born_baby, the conspiracy was unearthed after he held his new Vaccination card up to a bright light and discovered a hidden symbol: the smirking purple devil emoji. ‘😈’
“Canadian doctors were forced by the government to FORCE the public to get the LIFE-SAVING vaccinations or else they’d lose their jobs,” His Yellowit post went on, “Want proof? My friend Wayne’s brother’s girlfriend knows things. She listens to podcasts and reads stuff!”
There was something else about a snake and glad bagged chicken wings – but i nodded off and the screen timed out.
“I feel like we’ve been caught with our hands in the cookie jar,” said Doctor Bernadette Tubbs, who admitted to making the deal in a dark alley behind a hospital after she just finished doing back-to-back 24 hour shifts intubating 40-year-old covid patients.
“Now that Canadians know about our nefarious intentions to try and save people’s lives -“ Tubbs continued “ And save those lives through vaccinations, there is nothing we can do to retain anybody’s trust.”
In speaking with anti-vaxxer Katelyn Kalio, the mom of 6 told me that doctors are evil and should be in jail. “Why would I put foreign stuff in my body? [quick question Mrs Kalio – how did those 6 children get borneded? Whether by sex or by test-tube, SOMETHING foreign was put inside your body. THAT statement of yours, therefore, is patently FALSE.
Kalio finished by stating angrily, “We SHOULD be using the much talked about, on Facebook, drug Ivermectin. It’s at least proven to work deworming cows and horses alike. Good for them – SHOULD be good for you too.”
And with that I had to stop the interview and do what the former American president suggested and drink some bleach, followed by a healthy eye and ear rinse.
And just to add some more learning! Frankenstein was NOT the monster’s name. The dude that made him was Frankenstein, and the monster was named Frankenstein’s Monster. So there’s that.
and The Humans Coming Soon!!
by jacK: staffwriter (jaxasms.ca)
The dodo bird. I recently stopped by an old friend’s house for a beverage and dinner with him and his family.
First a Caveat — (A caveat is defined as a proviso of specific stipulations, conditions, or limitations. In this case more of an explanation to prevent misinterpretation.)
The caveat: I am NOT the poster-dude for family. Therefore this is NOT a story about family, but a story about humans. I AM one of those. Allegedly. The ‘old friend’ part – I can no longer relate to the guy – His home and other surroundings – and partially his taste in home and personal fashion.
Now there is a bit of a history that has always challenged my brain…so we’ll caveat that too.
Buddy’s name is Dave. notsomuch Lee Roth, Navarro, or Bowie but more a Hasselhoff.
Dave’s surroundings were more like a celebrity reality set than an actual home.
What I am about to do is LIST the stuff in Dave’s life to show a point.
Dave’s adult living/gaming/movie room – shared equally with his 2 pre-teen boys/sons – was like a modern-day museum of art and life. On the far side of the room was one of those classy leather futons finished with a blue sleeping bag for – sleeping? Well worn nonetheless. The TV was one of those big screens with an integrated sound systems.
In front of the massive eye/attention distracting entertaining unit – a Gaming seat. Alexa. TV. Radio/Satellite sources? T-shirt with a sport coat – and a pair of hip-jeans that looked as though they belonged on Shania Twain in an early 2000’s rock video about pick up trucks. Speaking of – he had THREE pickups in the driveway – two of them, he proudly stated, amounted to $1400+ a month in truck payments. Combined with the mortgage and the ‘suspected’ $100+ a day spending money – buddy HAD to be poor. At least house poor.
Both he and his wife have good jobs but still!? The daily/monthly/yearly costs appear on the side of bat-sh!t crazy.
The point I am trying to get at – I KNOW – I hear you muttering GET TO IT! Anyway, the point – While his life seemed great on the surface – I wondered beyond the surface. (That WILL be a startling story to come shortly. And if you didn’t get it – the explanation behind the title of this story and how it all goes together) The point – how could this be anything BUT non-relaxing, and downright miserable.
Looked great – but HAD to suck. Right? On this surface – what do YOU think? Come on – armchair diagnose this will ya?!?!
Space travel. Submarines. Super-Computers.
ALL created by a species that needs a warning label on carcinogenic cigarettes and HOT coffee? Say whatnow?
I present to you a product that you BUY to stick in your ear, that a company manufactures in order TO stick in your ear – complete with instructions on HOW to use it after sticking it into your ear.
And in perfect human form…ADD THIS WARNING LABEL TO THE BOX.
The warning label *Roughly translated: WARNING: DO buy/Thanks FOR buying our ear canal cleaner. Everything BUT the ear canal can be cleaned with a wash cloth and soap, so thank you. If used to clean ears? Umm I BOUGHT these notsomuch safety ear canal sticks to CLEAN my ears. And. Keep out of reach of your human children. They ARE your children. If you’re stupid enough to scratch your brain with one of these darts – I can almost GUARANTEE that they are MORE THAN stupid enough to do the same. The whole ‘genetic-lottery’ thing – that your offspring LOST.
AGAIN…Do NOT forget — STOP pushing the Q-tip into your skull if you feel ANY resistance.
Believe it or NOT humans aren’t extinct. yet.