Tag: saTires

💩 says 🌐’s derogatory inferences have irreparably damaged it’s clean reputation

by jacK (staffwriter) jaXasms.ca

satirical sh!z

In a Notice of Claim filed by Pile of Poo (💩), also known as poomoji, poop emoji, or poo emoji, in Supreme Court alleges that 🌐 (the Internet) willfully attacked 💩’s solid and clean reputation, in addition to that of 💩‘s family and close friends. 💩 says, as a direct result, employment opportunities have vanished, friends have stopped speaking for fear of their good names being called into question, and the shame that has befallen 💩’s family will be be a multi-generational flaming pile of post-it notes and smudge.

💩is also seeking to have it’s copyrighted image, a coiled pile of feces, usually with cartoon eyes and a large smile, removed from the web in future reference and all history searches. The emoji can be used to convey disappointment or disapproval, but also maintains its literal meaning of sh!t.

🌐 the internet has yet to file a statement of defence in the matter and was unavailable for comment prior to the publishing of this story. 🌐 has 30 days to file it’s reply – and when it does – will likely set itself on fire. Which is just a bit ironic as it is usually NOT the internet that is generally associated with flaming.

poo v. internet

Changes to Only Fans and PornHub Over and Under Blown [Pun Intended]

by: jacK (staffwriter) jaxasms.ca

Many [mostly men] people who were worried by recent leaking stories about the removal of porn from mostly porn sites Only Fans, PornHub, and Netflix can pant a little easier this weekend after jaxasms.ca speaks with insiders familiar with pornography, videos, and skate-boarding who say ‘HOLD TIGHT’ as the report appears to be prematurely jaxulated.

Reports in the last week or so had the PornHub, OnlyFans, and NetFlix providers banning porn from their paid services. Blowback was nearly immediate and surprisingly sustained for the week as many [mostly men] have been claiming a violation of varying ‘rights’ and ‘needs.’ Spokespeople for The Internet expressed confusion and that the decisions came as ‘shock and awe’ surprise. And that they were not notified, and the required month’s notice was not given. A spokeshuman for The Internet (wanting to remain anonymous) told me that the trio, if reports were true, would not be getting their damage deposit back, and likely be charged for clean-up of their ‘messes’ and damages made to the world-wide-web.

Speaking exclusively to jaxasms.ca – insiders Dallas Montague and Debbie Rohing agreed that Internet housing agreements would be violated if the rumours turned into fact, resulting in the revoking of damage deposits and the multi-billion dollar clean up charges for the billions of ‘messes’ left all around the web. “Everyone on the Internet and elsewhere is fully aware of the value in porn,” stated Rohing, “But there is always a trade-off when it comes to sex services. I mean the clean-up of all that paper pornography when we here at the Internet set up shop was MASSIVE. The poor environment saw a surge in paper and paper-like solid waste before people (mostly men) made the full-on switch to tube socks.”

“We must be economically real here as the winds of change, like the Scorpions rock and roll radio hit Winds of Change almost predicted,” Montague emphatically stated. She went on to say that maybe it was time to start thinking about government bail-outs for the Internet.” Montague brushed tears from her cheek with a lace braced tissue, and loudly concluded with “The fucking internet is our life! This isn’t a Lego or Arnie movie that will be back!”

Both Montague and Rohing ended this important discussion at that point. Both leaving behind what the industry calls Après-Stills. Their doctored photos (stills) were, what Rohing called, business cards. Stay tuned to jaxasms.ca for any updates and the clean-up status reports.

For your listening parts. The Scorpions Winds of Change as mentioned above courtesy of the YouTube and of course, The Scorpions.


Baby Manipulation AND Cake 2.0

A reminder: Part 2 of 2 Satirical pieces

If you are anything like me – quite some time ago – long before the covid – you basically threw the collection, AKA the human species, under the metaphorical bus to be in solitary. So people – face to face contact with people – OUT. A whole lot of ‘alone-time’ IN.

Back to part too of the baby manipulation. And cake!

Now one would think that dealing with a baby would be a piece of cake – Babies LOVE cake! Whence they hit solid foods anyway. So BRING cake! If applicable. As the ‘Bringer of Fun Things’ you are BRINGING IT! Once in the presence of baby, smile, maybe mutter some baby-talk, and present – CAKE!

So once the baby and yourself are (if not eating, EVEN if not eating) buried in the yummy cake you must QUICKLY move to part two of the final solutions to your task in hand. Because you planned ahead – you can now, as the official ‘Bringer of Fun,’ bring forward your (MY) pure stroke of brilliance – An empty cardboard box. OK, an ALMOST empty cardboard box. Babies LOVE cardboard boxes! And within seconds the baby has established you as ‘King of the World,’ and reveres you as such. Though YOU are bored, baby is definitely NOT bored. Trust me on this.

fealty much?

After a bit of suspense is built…encourage baby to lift the lid on the box. THIS will be your piece-du-resistance, the ace up your sleeve, and your final ascent to ABSOLUTE TRUST and FEALTY.

Upon opening the box – LEAPING from the empty – a brown, or black, Lab-Retriever PUPPY! Baby is now PUTTY!

You are bearded and dressed as a Hipster Blair Witch, black and white, and Finding Nemo Dr. Seuss character that has blessed Baby with an adorable Labrador puppy, a friend in the mirror, BOTH playing with jingle jangle car keys – and looking upon YOU – the KING of all things adorable, jingle jangle, the ULTIMATE ‘Bringer of the Fun!’

Keep in mind though, that Baby (like all babies and me) is suffering from ADHD and will forget you and your heroic acts, in fairly short order. So some maintenance will be required. The maintenance and all fealty to your prowess, however, WILL EXPIRE at around 18 months of age..

Beyond the 18 months – You are on your own – I can’t help you there. I may have suggestions, but between 18 months and 18 years my recommendations on Baby are virtually useless. Good luck in that time!

If all of the above manipulation DOES NOT earn you the ultimate trust crown…PLAY Peek-a-Boo. That always works in this department. (Babies = Dumb. Remember?)

See you and Baby, in 2032 or so.