💩 says 🌐’s derogatory inferences have irreparably damaged it’s clean reputation

sar-kast-inks.

by jacK (staffwriter) jaXasms.ca

satirical sh!z

In a Notice of Claim filed by Pile of Poo (💩), also known as poomoji, poop emoji, or poo emoji, in Supreme Court alleges that 🌐 (the Internet) willfully attacked 💩’s solid and clean reputation, in addition to that of 💩‘s family and close friends. 💩 says, as a direct result, employment opportunities have vanished, friends have stopped speaking for fear of their good names being called into question, and the shame that has befallen 💩’s family will be be a multi-generational flaming pile of post-it notes and smudge.

💩is also seeking to have it’s copyrighted image, a coiled pile of feces, usually with cartoon eyes and a large smile, removed from the web in future reference and all history searches. The emoji can be used to convey disappointment or disapproval, but also maintains its literal meaning of sh!t.

🌐 the internet has yet to file a statement of defence in the matter and was unavailable for comment prior to the publishing of this story. 🌐 has 30 days to file it’s reply – and when it does – will likely set itself on fire. Which is just a bit ironic as it is usually NOT the internet that is generally associated with flaming.

poo v. internet

the top 5 anythings to start your week

@jaxasms

Let’s start with #5.

5. The Olympics started and opened last week. I love watching the Olympic snowboarding. But after the first 5 days were done – the announcers informed me these were the summer games and that I’d have to wait until Winter Olympics for that. Shizzy

4. One more from the Olympics. A Japanese girl won a gold medal in skateboarding – and I a waiting out of morbid curiousity for the Olympic version of breakdancing. I KNOW right!

3. Living in western Canada – in case you didn’t notice – the west side of North America is on fire! From Mexico to the frozen north – it’s ALL burning. Might not make it out of all the smoke before the Olympic Snowboarding.

2. Covid 19 getting bad again. World-Wide Bad (WWB) Seriously now – serious before too but… Proof positive now (no more benefit of) without doubt – Human Beings are stupid. Not sure HOW they fvcked this up – but they did. Clearly the herd NEEDS thinning.

And number 1. this week:

1. Humans doing what humans do best. Stupid. And police in England called them just that.

Here the twitter post.

According to police — *idiots* broke into a farm and set a cow free. It ended up on a major highway and wreaked havoc with everything. The police say there were *substantial* MVA’s.

The police said today, “Thanks idiots.”

Plug your eyes and D!tch the Sh!t

the salon episodes

Do you – like me – ever listen, or read, or think, and then yell at nearly the top of your lungs – WHAT THE FFFFFugly FFFFug! If so, you’re likely to recognize some of the words, sentences, thoughts, and utterings below. Hopefully I don’t trigger you – but it WOULD be funnerer if I did right!?

So that you might find it easier to read todays story – Here is how it will be roughly laid out. First will be the title/category in which that group of D!tch and Sh!ts are housed. Then the word or phrase in need of the D!tch, followed by my comedic relief or badly placed in the stitch of time that we occupy’s, my reaction, the notsomuch common sense. The concern or fright and any other Sh!t that may apply! And now this:

Part One – ‘Do you even HEAR yourself speak?’

Can I Interrupt? You just effin did! Wouldn’t a statement work MUCH better? Maybe like Hey! I’m interrupting!

TBH – To Be Honest No matter what follows this statement it’s usually a lie. Check it.

It is what it is. Huh. This statement is just annoying. That’s what IT IS.

Part Two – ‘The extra words are for what now?’

We can DEFINITELY do that – But really. CAN you do it?

I’m LITERALLY puking – It literally makes no sense at all for the word literally to literally appear, in this sentence. Kids – take it from me – it is literally the best decision to make based on seismic data collected from the planet Mars. Apparently leaving the word literally OUT of a sentence, literally makes no literal difference in the meaning, or the literal impact, of the sentence. Literally – go back through this paragraph on literally puking, and literally remove the word ‘literally’ from it. The message of the paragraph remains unchanged – your tongue stays untangled – and your mind registers the win as a win-win win. You can literally remove all but 1 of the wins too. Sports is literally the worst metaphor for life.

How about ‘I PERSONALLY feel.’ I think the ‘I’ is personal and, much like literally, you can literally remove the extra word, personally, and literally NOTHING changes. And it sounds stupid too.

I will STOP 🛑 right here – let the brain take a rest. I WILL however come back to this story/topic and likely, or literally, continue to find this sh!t.

I, personally, can definitely say so long, with literally dozens of words sooooooooooo busy-bodied that I definitely, am personally literally puking them out for the sake of lunacy, literal lunacy, not the supposed commercial king that feeds on the donkey’s teet in order to totally transcend — stuff.

All The Sh!t We Should Just KNOW

Hey jax!, the salon episodes

Justabit of a rant…

Most (about 99%) of the world’s laws, bylaws, rules, even like shampoo bottle warnings – are just common sense. I cannot believe I even have to say that, but I DO. If you have a fork in your hand – do you NEED to be told NOT to jab it in your eye? For most people the answer to that is NO sh!t!

I KNOW that you ARE capable of using, and recognizing, common sense. A LOT of you may appear on the surface that grasping that is a way beyond your capabilities – BUT IT IS NOT!

What brought this on is a bunch of questions put to jaxasms.ca about the Covid 19 thing. Mask up. Over your nose, over your chin, DUH? If UNFILTERED air is making it inside your body – cover it up? If the unfiltered air is making it inside your person – YOUR unfiltered air is out there to be inhaled. Again DUH. I am NOT a disease expert – an expert like Dr. Teresa Tam or Dr. Bonnie Henry – or an expert on ANYTHING medical. I am kinda like an expert on common sense. 1+1=2.
Stop and THINK a bit here kids

Do like me do. Compare everything to a campfire or stovetop. ALWAYS. Apply MY (what I call it) CampFire/StoveTop theory to your own self stuff. COMMON SENSE is your body’s/brain’s natural reaction to the CampFire Theory. If you touch the flames – you get burned. THAT is simple stuff AND it hurts! A bit of reinforcement of the ‘You’re an Idiot’ feeling. Common sense, or as I call it ‘notsomuch common sense,’ is the same. It’s what you USED when you DID NOT stick your face into the campfire.

Life is the same kids. THAT is HOW you muster up the common sense that SHOULD be required, and quite frankly, SHOULD be second nature to us stupid humans.

That’s it! You now have the tool necessary to execute on common sense Every. Single. Time. Now just use it! Woo-Hoo! Right?

But you won’t, and I will be saying this same stuff next week. Ok, whatever.

Shack Wacky

facXs

A little long this one, but.

This isn’t what was expected, or meant, but…
I found it! Finally found the post. For Shack Wacky.

Choice, choice, choice. It’s what we thought we wanted – what we made for today – from peanut butter to SUV’s – we now have so many choices for everything – that it’s killing us.
Where is the insanity of our choice most dramatic – yet perfect? Where the choices are NOT a benefit?

Choices are killing LOVE. Choice is killing LOVE.
Much like shelf after shelf of peanut butter, or feature after feature in an SUV – we now have shelf after shelf – feature after feature – OF LOVE.
WRONG! You say? How bout this?…

You were out on a date last night for dinner. It went GREAT! You’re making plans today to go out again! But before the plans for another date are made BOTH OF YOU have killed ANY chances, with choice

How? You say? Well both of you, sometimes, or one of you, EVERY time – NOT EVEN AN HOUR AFTER THE DATE – are on a dating, hook-up, or porn site browsing choices.

Please don’t bother sending me a letter or email or DM on a dating site saying that it isn’t true. Because I asked PornHub – and they agreed – it is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FACT!!

Does it make sense? Any of it? NO!
Is there a name for this? THERE IS NOW!

Shack Wacky!
and CHECK.